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CanCon hall of Shame
the dreck
 
In no particular order. Here are some "artistes" that benifited from having a Canadian passport and little else. I'm tempted to give everyone on this page off the scale ratings but I've tried to assess their lack of talent honestly so some rankings might seem a little generous. I've snuck in a few marginal characters just because it's my list and I can do what ever I want with it.
 
Also see the Banal and the At Least They Tried sections.

 
 


 
Stan Rogers
One of my favorite reader submissions: "that dead bastard, Stan and his brother Garnet should top the list. Stan Rogers' wife is a rich, rich woman from the apparantly 24/7 devotion to the family the CBC has shown for the last decade. CBC radio "all Stan Rogers all Day."His medicore folk, bloated by cancon requirements for years and years, should have been going to more worthy Canadian artists."
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Nickelback
Canada's answer to Bush (or Bush X as they used to be called here) who are Teenbeat Magazine's answer to Nirvana. Somehow took their dull bar rock to an international suckage level.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Sweeney Todd
Want to increase reasons to slag both Bryan Adams and Nick Gilder? Look no further than crap glam rock Sweeney Todd.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Rita MacNeil
Another reader submission:
"I have just as much desire to clutter this area with fat jokes as the next guy. I'm no fan of the music either, but I think that these days with looks like that if you can A) Sell at least a few albums here and there, B) have ANY large number of fans (even if they are all over 50 and live in Nova Scotia), and C) keep a bland TV series featuring mainly your homely ass (watched mainly by the above group) for more than a season, you deserve a bit of respect. Junkhouse performing on her show was good for a laugh. She looked just horrified. That's like booking Marilyn Manson at an Up With People concert."
- Spy

Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Remy Shand
How to be a soulfull R&B singer: 1) sing meanless songs slowly in falsetto 2) wear a big poncy knit hat. The lesson here is that neither will save you from sucking big time.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
John James
"Big Fat Soul"? Maybe a couple grams fatter than Bootsauce's version of soul. "I Want To Know"? No not really. Sprung out of Sylum. Came across as yet another pet project of MuchMusic.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Universal Honey
Another great submission:
"Born out another crappy band, The Pursuit of Happiness, they thought they were better than all other Canadian bands and went to play in the US. Then they got their sorry asses beaten back by the Americans to where they belong, crapland. Boring songs sung by an equally boring singer."
- J.C.

Suckage rating CBC factor

Tu
 
Tu
I've got this idea. Lets find "hot looking" teen twins, dress them in miniskirts, make some sexy videos, and try to rotate them heavily on MuchMusic. And we'll call them something clever like "Tu" (get it - Twins - Two - Tu)...
Suckage rating CBC factor

Boss and the Bandits
 
Boss and the Bandits
Mid 80s Vancouver. Springsteen at his apex. What better thing to do than become a psuedo-Springsteen psuedo-cover band and sing about the bus strike. Simply unlistenable. No wonder he's wearing a mask.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Pikes
 
The Northern Pikes
Posed as Canada's "alternative rock band". A band with so little charisma, imagination or inspiration it should never be imitated. Was it just me or did they manage to work the lyrics "nevvverrrrrr understand" into every one of their songs?
Suckage rating CBC factor

Alfie Zappacosta
 
Zappacosta
80s big hair "Rock Star". Did the Richard Marx style power love ballads at a third of the wattage.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Platinum Blonde
 
Platinum Blonde
A fifth rate version of Loverboy and a third rate version of Poison. There was a reason they never made it anywhere else but Canada - they sucked. I told you all in the 80s they sucked but nobody was listening.
Suckage rating CBC factor

54-40
 
54-40
Truely a band that never should have made it out of the 80s but by constant public torment and an idiot's bank account manage to keep releasing albums. I'm being honest when I ask "who the fuck is buying their albums?" I've yet to meet someone who'll fess up owning one.
 
LATE BREAKING NEWS! Moose admits to having "Selection". Damn.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Aldo Nova
 
Aldo Nova
Early 80s guitar god. The last time I heard a song from this album was about 1994, it was blasting out of a Mullet's '73 Chevelle which was somehow fitting. Life is just a fantasy...for 15 minutes.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Chalk Circle
Named after Bertolt Brecht's "The Caucasian Chalk Circle" because they were really deep and literary. They were the next U2 when one is still too much. Bastardized a great T-Rex song.
 
Also see letters to the Editor in defense of Chalk Circle. Suckage rating CBC factor

TDM
 
Terry David Mulligan (TDM)
Not a musician by trade but a useless media personality. When not being a jerk, spends his time interviewing Long John Baldry and kissing Bryan Adams's ass. Banal, vapid, and an all round jackass. Contributions to Cancon: early 80s host of Good Rocking Tonight one of the first music video shows in Canada where he flogged CanCon and kissed Bryan Adams's ass. Then moved to Much Music where he continued to kiss Bryan Adams's ass and interviewed Long John Baldry on a weekly basis.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Long John Baldry
 
Long John Baldry
Not really a canadian, just plays one on TV. Gets suckage points for retelling his "Marc Bolan's last hours" story to TDM over and over and over and over.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Barenaked Ladies
 
Barenaked Ladies
God I hate them. Cloying and annoying. Blame Much Music's Speaker's Corner for these twats and CanCon for their continued support when they should have gone away. I'd rather listen to Stompin' Tom masturbate than listen to these asses.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Down Hill
 
Dan Hill
Sometimes when we touch, the stomach bile is too much. I'll forgive him for getting loads of cash because it must suck to be Dan Hill.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Paul Janz
 
Paul Janz
Calgary anchorman Darryl Janz's brother, nephew, or something. Think what passion a news anchorman would bring to a song, add children to the video to pull the heart strings, and you're cooking with gas. Rivaled Zappacosta for sheer dufus looks.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Alan Thicke
 
Alan Thicke
Yes Alan Thicke. Co-wrote the themes to Diff'rent Strokes and Facts of Life with then wife Gloria Loring. Remember his musical salute to Toronto's Sky Dome? Do I really need to expand on this?
Suckage rating CBC factor

Sheriff
 
Sherriff
Guess what! No talent + from Toronto = air play. Two of this superstar lineup went on to form Frozen Ghost.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Frozen Ghost
 
Frozen Ghost
Now I'm assuming that they're named after a Rimbaud poem because hackneyed musicians love to look to Rimbaud to cover their lack of imagination. Of course I could be wrong and they came up with a really crappy name on their own. I don't put it past a wanker named Wolf Hassel to come up with an equally stupid band name. Frozen Ghost made music that was so painful. It's sort of like if your best friend wrote music and you didn't want to tell him how much it blows because he's so deluded that he thinks it can be a hit. It's that kind of listening experience.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Stompy
 
Our Lady Peace
I'll be damned. Ian was right - Frozen Ghost part 2. When will Arnold Lanni realise he has no talent.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Toronto
 
Toronto
Toronto: A) Center of the universe. B) Most hated city in Canada. C) Second rate hard rock band. I should give them points for being fronted by 2 grrrls... but I won't.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Stompy
 
Stompin' Tom Connors
I'm going to take heat for this one. A true Canadian, paid his dues, blah blah blah. Harmless yes. But sorry, he sucks. He wrote the same song thousands of times over and accompanied himself with a piece of plywood. Maybe it's because I was just exposed to him too much as a child.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Parachute Club
Did you know John Oates produced one of their albums? It's true. It's a Canadian fact.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Men without hats
 
Men Without Hats
...or underwear. Listen to the "Safety Dance" in it's entirety. I dare you. Temporary redemption to Banal status with "Pop goes the world" only to fall back to Dreck with Ivan's solo career.
Suckage rating CBC factor

 
 
Idle Eyes
When I was in high school, Yvonne aledgely went out with their lead singer. Who's Yvonne and why should that make the band important? Well I think you've just answered your question.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Alannah Myles
 
Alannah Myles
A lot of miles on her ______ . Shows you what "knowing" a Much Music VeeJay will get you. Tsk tsk Christopher Ward.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Christopher Ward
 
Christopher Ward
Has also tormented Canada with solo work. Moved to L.A. to make it big. Gets suckage rating lowered slightly for his work on Fromage. Last seen playing guitar in Austin Power's Ming Tea. Matthew Sweet how could you?
Suckage rating CBC factor

Jennifer Dale
Cynthia Dale
 
The Dale Sisters - Cynthia and Jennifer.
Riding on Peter Mansbridge's back (or something else). Need a lead actress for your Canadian produced series? You've got a 50% chance of getting one and 50% of getting the other. Renowned for their ability to whisper their lines because that means they're acting. They're also known to occasionally "try" their hands at singing because you see, they are so very wonderfully talented. I'm still surprised they don't have bigger creases around their mouths...
Suckage rating CBC factor

Gowan
 
Gowan
Canada's answer to Jon Anderson and/or Dennis DeYoung as if the world needed an answer. In fact I believe he's replacing Mr. DeYoung in a re-formed Styx. Please call him Lawrence not Larry, he's a serious artist you know.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Barney Bentall
 
Barney Bentall and the legendary Hearts
Or was that Barney Genital.... Suckage rating CBC factor

Honeymoon Suite
 
Honeymoon Suite
Big hair, bad songs. Suckage rating CBC factor

Jaymz Bee
 
Jaymz Bee
Part of me tries to like the loungeness of him but he's CBC through and through. Shmoooze the in-crowd, produce nothing of any value, then make the rounds on every Canadian Broadcasting forum.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Luba
 
Luba
Orca the killer whale, She was supposed to be "soulful"...or maybe that was "so foul".
Suckage rating CBC factor

 
 
Devon
One of Canada's great new rappers in the late 80s. You remember Mr Metro? Don't you?
Suckage rating CBC factor

 
 
Wild T and the Spirit
Canada's answer to Jimmie Hendrix. Yesssss, that's exactly what they were. Gets extra suckage points for Frozen Ghost connection.
Suckage rating CBC factor

The Nylons
 
The Nylons
Acappella groups should be banned from recording studios no matter what their nationality. You know they're just going to use it as an excuse to record "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" one more grating time. And they did.
Suckage rating CBC factor

 
 
Partland Brothers
Soulless singing of their hit "Soul City". Shit City, that's where I'm heading. Hey guess what, they're from, Toronto.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Glass Tiger
 
Glass Tiger
Worse than MOR, Kiddy pop Canadian MOR. Oh just have your wank and leave. Remember the conscious raising photo-op for the plight of First Nations people with their Diamond Sun album? Yeah they cared and they shared. Their shit that is.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Alan Frew
 
Alan Frew
Lead singer from Glass Tiger. The lesson here is that just because your kiddy pop group was big doesn't mean your solo career will be - especially when there's no talent to back it up. All that's left is to regroup the band and do revival tours playing to middle aged housewives.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Colin James
 
Colin James
Guitarists like him for some unknown reason, they must not have heard his albums. Alegedly played the blues. Failing at that, he jumped on the retro bandwagon and continued to annoy by playing "big band" music. Sucks on all counts.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Moxy Fruvus
 
Moxy Fruvus
Tell me again why I should like these guys? They're witty? Yeah like a hammer to the head. Once again I invoke the acappella rule.
Suckage rating CBC factor

The Raes
 
The Raes
Disco, Canada style! Very few will remember their work and that's not a bad thing.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Crash Test Dummies
 
Crash Test Dummies
The double dog dare: 1) sit through the Superman MMMM MMMM video 2) make it through without wanting to kill the singer.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Grapes of Wrath
 
The Grapes of Wrath
I could never decide whether I hated them because of the bad name or the folky pretentions of their music. Hey it's both. Later became Ginger after ditching a member because it was all about the music.
Suckage rating CBC factor

The Tea Party
 
The Tea Party
A poor man's Doors clone that continue to protest about Doors comparisons yet still try to sing, act, and look like the Doors.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Helix
 
Helix
On the one hand, it's hard to knock to Helix because they have been through some legitimately rough times. But on the other, it ironically brings them even closer to Spinal Tap. "Puppet show and Helix" anyone?
Suckage rating CBC factor

Sass Jordan
 
Sass Jordan
Another "soulful" diva singing the usual fluff. Harmless treacle but how often do you play her albums now? Once described by a CBC news mannequin as "Luba with an edge". That's not a good sign for any artist.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Images in Vogue
 
Images in Vogue
Canada's generic new wave band? Or a bunch of rich wanks?
Suckage rating CBC factor

Praire Oyster
 
Prairie Oyster
Play competent but generic country with an Archie Andrews clone at the helm. They were going to be placed in the Banal section but got negative points for trying to ditch their drummer because he wanted a sex change. This from a band named after a bull testicle entree.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Haywire
 
Haywire
Prince Edward Island's contribution to 80s guitar rock. I should be nice. I could be related to them.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Lee Arron
 
Lee Arron
Canada's metal queen turned lounge singer.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Trooper
 
Trooper
I remember in grade 7 listening to the "smoker kids" arguing over which was the best band Trooper or Prism. Guess what, they both sucked.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Prism
 
Prism
See above.
As a side note: Grant believes Axel Rose and the singer from Prism are actually the same person. You be the judge.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Harlequin
Insert into above argument as well.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
B4-4
FREAKS! FUCKING FREAKS!
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Zuckerbaby
Wankerbaby. Don't quit your day jobs at HMV boys.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Tommy Hunter
"The Dead Skeleton" as dad used to call him. Churning out hours of torment and HeeHaw style music over the CBC.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Robbie Robertson
The most disposable member of the Band and yet the one that seems to get the most airtime. Produced Neil Diamond albums and even drug him on stage for the Last Waltz. Bottom line is that he's a putz. Released the most critically overhyped album of 1987.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Rene Simard
 
Rene Simard
In the 70s, CBC decided he could single handedly fill the French-Canadian quota of CanCon. They gave him a variety show and flogged him whenever possible. His guest spot on the Beachcombers was particularly wretching. I think he had a sister that followed.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Lava Hay
 
Lava Hay
Sometimes it's just too easy to throw rocks so it's not even worth the effort. Get bonus suckage points for shitty name.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Philosopher Kings
 
Philosopher Kings
Why in would anyone remake a Godley & Creme song? More suckage points for spawning Prozzak.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Prozzak
 
Prozzak
I'm assuming the reason they always appear in cartoon form is to avoid being recognized on the street and consequently stoned to death.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Dalbello
 
Dalbello
One of those CanCon "stars" you want to forget. Big in Germany the way david Hasslehoff is.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Holly Cole
 
Holly Cole
Possibly the weakest "jazz" singer voice I've heard outside a comedy skit. I guess if you sing something slow enough it constitutes soul.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Doucette
Prism/Trooper/Harlequin only in singular form.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Downchild Blues Band
 
Downchild Blues Band
Prism/Trooper/Harlequin only in blues form.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Triumph
 
Triumph
Finally, Canadian arena rock! Got the magic power...hey wait a minute this really sucks...
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Tariq
Sounds like some kind of new fangled wrench.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
The Odds
What are the odds that music this dull would get airplay without CanCon?
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Bootsauce
The Luke Warm Chilipeppers. I toyed with placing them in the At least they tried section. But then I heard them again.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Spirit of the west
 
Spirit of the West
The problem with political bands is that they generally are so full of themselves that they don't see what hypocritcal yobs they are. Not to mention that they generally have all the subtly of plywood. Case in point Spirit of the West.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Ray Lyell and the Storm
The only thing worse than a Bruce Springsteen impersonator is a Bruce Springsteen impersonator that sounds like Bob Seeger. And now may I introduce Ray Lyell and the Storm.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Jack DeKeyzer
One of the few cases where Much tried to ram someone down our throats but he sucked so bad even they had to give up. Also falls into the Ray Lyell arguement.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Rankin Family
 
Rankin Family
Acts like this should have died with Tommy Hunter and Hymn Sing.
Suckage rating CBC factor

Pursuit of Happiness
 
Pursuit of Happiness
In pursuit of Sally Jesse Rapheal's glasses. Had potential unfortunately fell very short.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Foot in Cold Water
For how many years and how many times I've seen this album in second hand record stores...
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
West End Girls
Gee, I guess if I had no talent and my father was in a lame band like Chiliwack, I'd get a record deal too.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Mendelson Joe
I don't dispute his activism and causes. However, I really dispute his music. Can something that got so much attention and support from people like Moses Znaimer really be considered "outsider" art.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Candi and the Backbeat
Later shortened to just Candi to capitalize on her limited appeal. Should have stayed playing Community Halls.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Andrew Cash
I think he was trying to do the Canadian Billy Bragg thing but didn't pull it off that successfully.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Fred Penner
Pretends to be a children's entertainer but seems more like a greedy shill grabbing money for dull dull dull music. Just a side note, what's with a show that has a grown man lurking in the woods for the sole purpose of "entertaining" kids. Sounds like something the RCMP should know about.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
The Waltons
Goodnight Poppa, goodnight John Boy, good bye settled stomach.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
Cub
Let's see drummer can't keep a beat, guitarist can't play, singer can't sing, songwriter can't write, TDM loves them. Sometimes naïve grrl rock is just shit. Do yourself a favour, track down an album by the Chubbies or the Donnas instead of listening to this.
Suckage rating CBC factor


 
much much more still to come:
Harem Scarem, National Velvet, Annette Ducharme, Sue Medley, Rockhead, Moffets, Sweeney Todd, Nick Gilder, Sherry Kean, Kick Axe Lots o Nettwerk shit
 

 
The Dreck | The Banal | At Least They Tried
 
 

Background
*Main Argument
*Rating System
*Rate Your Own!
 
Band Listings
*The Dreck
*The Banal
*At Least They Tried
 
Reading Material
* I Hate Music
* I Hate You and Your So-called Taste in Music
* Have Not Been the Same: The Canrock Renaissance 1985-1995
[by Michael Barclay, Jason Schneider, Ian Andrew Dylan Jack]
 
 
* Last Call: Vancouver Independent Music, 1977-1988
Overlooked Canadian music most Canadians never heard during the heydays of the CanCon 80s



 
Splorp: makes crap possible
 
 
 
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